I Miss This Lady – Terribly!

Wishing a Happy Heavenly Birthday to my Grandma πŸ’–πŸ’”πŸ’–

I miss this lady – terribly! She would’ve turned 84 today – 7/13/2023.

There are times my heart feels as though it’s really aching – even burning – over the thought of her being gone from this world. It can be tough to say the least.

I don’t know why I procrastinate until late at night to do these memorial posts of mine. Part of me wants to avoid the reality of it all, I guess – but it’s kind of like emotional torture before trying to go to sleep.

Grief sucks. It really does. I don’t think it reaches any certain level of difficulty or ease. There are times I think I’m doing well and I can even smile and not shed any tears while reminiscing. Then there are those moments when you go to some really challenging stages of sadness. It’s a constant evolution. Unpredictable. Never satisfied. Never finished.

I saw a video yesterday from a fellow taphophile creator on TikTok that I follow.

She was kayaking and sharing a glimpse from her point of view of the lake and its surroundings. Foggy, quiet and beautiful. It was her first time back to paddling since she lost her husband a few years ago. Kayaking was something that they did together weekly. She said that both her and her husband loved to boat through the fog together on the water. The timing of the fog and her return to their once shared hobby was like God saying “welcome back to the beauty I created for you”.

Two things (among many) that come to my mind that I majorly respected and adored about my Grandmother was her love for and faith in God – and her almost constant sense of a very chilled out demeanor. I mean, the woman could be absolutely pissed off at you – yet show no signs of over excitement. She’d totally give me “the look” right now if she was with me while I say what I’m about to say πŸ˜† then she’d probably smirk while claiming that she didn’t find this funny at all – but seriously, if “fuck around and find out” meshed with “it is what it is” was a person – that person was my Grandma. Sprinkled with love – of course πŸ˜‰

Typically – she was quite vague with her real emotions, though. To know her anger or her sadness was rare – but also an honor, because to know and experience her on that level meant you were someone she truly trusted. She didn’t reveal herself fully to just anyone. If you got a glimpse of her in raw form – you were unique in her mind.

So, back to the kayak reference…

The part about the girl feeling as though God was welcoming her back to the beauty created for her. That really struck me. As I’ve mentioned before, grief is truly a rollercoaster ride of emotions. However, you do need to step outside of yourself at times and realize what you’re allowing your grief to steal from you. Even the simple things like appreciating the fog laying over a body of water. Beautiful moments may spark memories and feelings of sadness, but that’s the thing – they’re still beautiful.

My Grandma is forever beautiful in my mind. Even though I’m practically lost at times without her – not one person or thing can change the beauty that she was and that we shared. That was always apparent, still present and will never go away. She still continues to inspire me.

Thank you Grandma πŸ’–

Happy Heavenly Birthday! I love you. I miss you.

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